The Optimism, Tenacity and Redemption of Teddy Kennedy

Teddy Kennedy, again? Still? I hear some people groaning. The funeral is over. Why are we still talking about him? It was so many news cycles ago. Can't we move on? Well, no; we can't. Not quite yet. Grief doesn't work that way, on the media's timetable, even if the grief is for someone you don't know personally.

Ted Kennedy was my Senator for most of my life; I'm not really sure I even remember a time when he wasn't. I cried quite a bit when Teddy died. I still grieve for the man who laughed heartily, sang unselfconsciously, loved all his "children" (which included nieces, nephews and their children) unconditionally, encouraged uncountable people and found common ground with the most unlikely among them.

Of all the thoughts about Ted that swirled around us during the official days of mourning, the ones that have provoked the most reflection for me are about his optimism, tenacity and the question of redemption.

OPTIMISM

Optimism does not always come easily for me. I'm working on it. My study of--and appreciation for--Positive Psychology tells me this is one of the most important and malleable virtues that determines how happy we are. Teddy had boundless optimism. How? He lost two siblings while still a teenager. He lost two more older brothers suddenly to violence and needed to grieve those losses publicly. Could you have done that and still remained optimistic? We're told that for a time, he expected to die a young, violent death himself. And yet he continued to believe things would and could get better--and that he/we/anyone could be a part of creating that progress. Which takes me to the next idea....

TENACITY

What's the definition of "tenacity?" How about working for 47 years for healthcare reform? The audacity and sheer stubbornness of that has had me laughing all week (any wonder that I'm proud he was my Senator?). In the face of implacable inertia, legislative bureaucracy and powerful business opposition, he pressed on. Through it all, he helped constituents on a one-by-one basis, and literally stood by them as they grieved their own sorrows caused by insurance denials and red tape. He saw the big picture yet didn't miss the suffering happening on the ground. He was relentless. Because of that, we each have much for which to thank him.

REDEMPTION

This is, of course, the hardest to discuss for many reasons. First, because it's a more personal, complex, and controversial idea than the apple-pie-and-motherhood virtues of optimism and tenacity. Secondly, Teddy's flaws were much more public and (in one case) seemed more dramatic than our own--or at least, that's what many people wanted to believe (casting stones and all that). We're told that he privately owned up to his demons and fought them his whole adult life. His faith was stronger and more central to his life than many understood. His commitment to social justice was rooted in his Catholicism.

There has been much consternation about his stands on abortion rights, stem cell research and divorce. How dare he receive Communion--that "cafeteria-Catholic!" The part of Catholicism I love tells me I MUST obey my own conscience no matter what the Pope himself says. Yes, that's true. Many Catholics miss that lesson. The edict isn't to 'do whatever you want;' it's to educate yourself, reflect, pray, use your Reason, then make a decision based on your own conscience. Millions of Catholics do just that regarding using birth control and other personal decisions every day. For the mistakes we make anyway, there is the hope of "Redemption"-- the idea that we get second chances, that our lives don't have to be destroyed by one action that can't ever be undone. Redemption, of course, requires contrition and a pledge to do better. Teddy did better. In the days after Teddy's death, a friend of mine said, "I remember how angry my father was about Chappaquiddick when it happened, but my goodness, how he redeemed himself with how he lived the last 40 years of his life!"

In closing, I'd like to thank Senator Ted Kennedy for using his optimism and tenacity to improve all our lives. A fair reading of the list below, I believe, will show that there is hardly a person in America who has not personally benefited from his work. In researching and writing this list, I have "borrowed" heavily from a commenter named DebateThis on the gretawire blog. Thanks, unknown person.

Thank you, Teddy, for Medicare. 'Nuff said.

Thank you, Teddy, for Title IX, a bill that required colleges and universities to provide equal funding for men’s and women’s athletics

Thank you, Teddy, for The Family and Medical Leave Act, which requires employers to give employees unpaid leave for the birth of a child or for family emergencies.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Americans with Disabilities Act, to prevent discrimination against people with disabilities.

Thank you, Teddy, for COBRA, The Kennedy-Kassebaum Act that lets employees keep health insurance after leaving their jobs for a set period and prohibits insurance companies from denying renewal of care due to preexisting medical conditions.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Pregnancy Discrimination Act, which made it illegal for employers to fire women for leave taken due to pregnancy.

Thank you, Teddy, for National Cancer Act, which quadrupled the amount spent on cancer research establishing the Federal Cancer Research Program

Thank you, Teddy, for Civil Rights Commission Act Amendments, which expanded the jurisdiction of the Civil Rights Commission to protect people from discrimination on the basis of disability.

Thank you, Teddy, for CHIP or Children's Health Insurance Program which provides basic healthcare services to very poor children.

Thank you, Teddy, for Voting Rights Act Extension, which essentially lowered the voting age to 18.

Thank you, Teddy, for National Competitiveness Investment Act, creating partnerships between National Laboratories and local high-need high schools to establish centers of excellence in math and science education.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Pensions Protection Act of 2006 which...protected pensions.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Nutrition Labeling and Education Act of 1990 which makes it possible for us to know what's in our food by the labels on the packaging.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Mental Health Parity Act, which for the first time requires insurance companies to cover mental illness on a par with physical illness.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Family Opportunity Act, allowing states to expand Medicaid coverage to children with special needs.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Protection and Advocacy for Mentally Ill Individuals Act of 1986.

Thank you, Teddy, for The NIH Revitalization Act, legislation that called for the inclusion of women and minorities in federally funded clinical research.

Thank you, Teddy, for Direct Loan Program in 1993 that allowed students to borrow directly from the federal government rather than be dependent (hostage?) to private loans.

Thank you, Teddy, for The National Community Services Act, a renewed focus on encouraging volunteering in America

Thank you, Teddy, for National Military Child Care Act, which established the Department of Defense’s child care program. This allowed working spouses of military members and women who were enlisted themselves to have access to high-quality, federally funded child care.

Thank you, Teddy, for The Ryan White AIDS Care Act which sought funding to improve availability of care for low-income, uninsured and under-insured victims of AIDS and their families.

For all this and much more, thank you.

Connie DiStasi Hillman, LICSW
New Leaf Coaching
http://www.newleafcoachingonline.com

On the Lighter Side...

Heaven knows there isn’t much to laugh about in the news these days, yet laughter is what we most need sometimes to feel refreshed and ready to carry on. I don’t usually advise comparing ourselves with others…but I might make an exception in this case. Many of my life and career coaching clients second guess themselves some of the time, especially in anxiety-producing situations like job interviews, but trust me, they have never said anything as foolish as the people quoted in this story from CNN and Career Builders.com--and neither, I'm sure, have you. Here is “43 Weird Things Said in Job Interviews:”

Hiring managers are amazed by what job applicants say during interviews.

"I'm not wanted in this state."

"How many young women work here?"

"I didn't steal it; I just borrowed it."

"You touch somebody and they call it sexual harassment!"

"I've never heard such a stupid question."

Believe it or not, the above statements weren't overhead in bars or random conversations -- they were said in job interviews.

Read more: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/07/22/cb.you.said.what.interview/

Soulful Work = Harmony with Your Values

How well does your work conform to your personal values and strengths? If you are burning out or simply feeling a disconnect somewhere in your work, consider whether you are able to express your ideals while making a living.

Does your work reflect who you are? Does it honor what you most care about, your strengths and values? In other words, is it in harmony with your soul? Margaret Benefiel writes about Soulful Leadership. In a recent post about Bernie Madoff, she posed some provocative questions:

"We need to ask ourselves regularly: Are my choices today strengthening my soul or eroding it? In what ways are my choices making me the person I want to be? In what ways am I choosing a path that results in my being less than my best self? How can I get the support I need to make better choices? (Leaders on the slippery slope to disaster are notoriously isolated.)"

Although Margaret Benefiel’s focus in this essay was Bernie Madoff’s morality, I think these questions transcend “mere” morality; it’s more about living in harmony with your whole, true self. That is, does your work mesh with how you see yourself—and who you want to be?

Don’t be scared off by these questions. We’re not talking about Cosmic Perfection here. And we are certainly not being elitist. These questions apply whether you are the CEO of a major corporation or if you're a blue-collar worker. I know waitresses and truck drivers who are living their values. In contrast, being in situations that are at odds with how you want to see yourself is like swimming upstream. It's exhausting—and guaranteed to burn you out. It's the opposite of “flow.” The goal is to be moving toward a greater harmony with your ideal life and work. Are you moving in the right direction: toward your values?

Connie DiStasi Hillman, MSW, MA
New Leaf Coaching
http://www.newleafcoachingonline.com

Priming the Pump

For every action there's a reaction

I had forgotten how good it feels, just to step out and "do something." Yesterday my creative juices got flowing following Connie's terrific step at starting our blog. Once we took the leap to put ourselves out there the former "perfectionist fear" didn't keep me stuck. Suddenly great ideas started to come, ideas borne out of a need to share and serve what I have learned from my years as a practicing psychologist and from the short years of learning about the "art of coaching."

When do we ever decide we are 'ready enough' ? Of course the extreme example is that of the artist or scholar who labors over a work for decades only to find piles of canvases or manuscripts gathering dust for they were never quite good enough.

I have recently been introduced to the process of peer review in writing. In the teaching of writing, many folks now have students collaborate and share their work. Through that process they begin to build a rubric in order to evaluate the work. I was reminded over dinner last week by an artist, that art students have been doing that forever. They have become accustomed to putting their work 'out there' to benefit from the comments and reactions of their peers.

So, this blog is a place for us at Coaches Collaborative to do some primary process writing and for anyone in the world to jump in and join us. This process will let you know who we are, how we think, and perhaps we will all be motivated to jump ahead and do the things we might have not done before.

Here's to priming the pump ! 

Good enough Mother? Good enough Coach?

After pouring through books on mothering, a unique and liberating concept warmed my heart: the good enough mother. Ah, finally something I could attach too.

I didn't need to be a perfect mom, a super mom, I just had to be a good enough mom. That idea makes tasks manageable. I can be a good enough coach, psychologist, candle maker. Somehow taking away that perfectionism allows me to venture in. I have permission not to be finished, not to have all my t's crossed and i's dotted.

When I think of my own perfectionism I view myself as frozen in time and space. Nothing gets done or accomplished ! Nothing to show for my time and energy in paralyzed land. Indeed isn't that wonderfully safe?

So, I am joining Connie in sticking my neck out. 

My new mantra has two parts: anything worth doing is worth doing poorly....and, more importantly, "I am enough !"

Perfectionism vs. Burnout: When is Good Enough Really Good Enough?

A friend of mine told me recently that she has adopted the saying, “Good enough,” as a sort of mantra to describe her progress on work projects. It enables her to move forward on tasks and let go of the tyranny of perfectionism.

In the abstract, this should be liberating. Yea! This post, for example, doesn’t have to be perfect, right? It just needs to be “good enough” to get a point across and start a conversation going. However, it’s not that easy, is it? How do we ever know what actually is good enough? What seems at first like a cry of freedom, may end up feeling like an insult. After all, who among us wants to settle for good enough? Is it “settling,” or lowering our standards to declare something is good enough? Does it mean we are letting go of unnecessary, self-imposed pressure, or are we simply giving up?

Perhaps the answer lies in our enthusiasm for what we are doing. Are we striving for excellence, and giving up our perfectionism in a healthy way, or are we so burned out that we don’t even care about the “good” part anymore and cry, “Enough!” as in “Enough already. Let me out of here?” I think we generally know the difference. It’s a matter of energy. Does this thing I’m doing fill me up with passionate energy—or drain it out of me? Next time you say, “Good enough,” ask yourself where is your energy and enthusiasm.

Connie DiStasi Hillman, LICSW
Life and Career Coach
New Leaf Coaching
http://www.newleafcoachingonline.com